Pour Your Heart Out ~ Forty-Seven

47. How old my sister would be at the end of the month. 41. The age my sister will always be. Now I'm the oldest, when I should be the middle.

Anyone who knows me, knows I think my sisters husband killed her. No, I don't have proof, just a feeling. Maybe it was how cold he was during that early morning phone call. Maybe it was the fact that he was shopping for boats the night of her funeral. Maybe it's because his first wife also died young, of the same thing. Either way, it's always been a nagging thing for me. I can't shake it.

For the first year after she was gone I swear I heard her in my ear all the time ~ in the shower, trying to fall asleep, driving to work. "Get him Kristin Pee" she said. But I couldn't. The coroner's report said natural causes. This hard to accept statement really put me back into little sister mode. Somehow I've let her down again. I don't hear her anymore - I think she's given up on me.

I'm a big believer in karma, but I'm not a patient person. How long does karma make you wait? Will I be around when he finally gets his? Will he ever get his in this life? Maybe he'll come back as an ant and someone will keep stepping on him. Maybe he'll get to hang out in the bowels of hell for eternity.

I hope that wherever he is out there someone is warning any girl he might marry to run the other way.

I hope that Cindy Pee still loves me, even though I've let her down.

6. The number of years I've been without my older sister.

Until next time ~ Kris


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